I Died: A Black Man's Journey with Ayahuasca
If you are interested in watching or listening to my video instead of my full Peruvian experience, here you are!
DISCLAIMER: If you decide to take this journey that is your choice. Please do not attempt to conduct your own session if you haven't been trained in the healing practices of a Shaman working with this medicine. It is not for the inexperienced or faint of heart.
Through my research I knew I needed to have some intentions going into it. I created like 10 of them based on what I've read intentions should be like and I’ll share some of them with you.
I want to be confident in every aspect of my life and connect with my true identity whatever that might be
Show me how to destroy whatever is blocking me from reaching my fullest potential physically, emotionally, and mentally.
Open my 3rd eye to the Nth degree so I can connect spirituality with my ancestors, the dimensions, and the universe to unify us, heal our worlds, and be a bridge to give guidance and help people heal. (Listen this doesn’t need to make sense to y’all)
Show me my past self and lives and the future I’ve yet to reach.
How to improve my memory capabilities to help improve my life and career.
Improve my relationships with others.
And a few other personal ones
Conversations About Andean Philosophy
We learned about the Andean Cross or Chakana, its breakdown, and its meaning to the people. The dynamic between the universe and the life it contains.
Top Half: Absolute happiness, Father Spirit Wiracocha, Condor
Center Level: Unification, Power, Puma
Bottom Half: Relative happiness, Mother spirit of Earth Pachamama, Snake
Left side: Feminine
Right side: Masculine
Conversations w/ Shamans and staff about Etnikas
2 different ancient cultures taught there: Amazonian + Andean
3 different types of Florida Water
Yellow: If trip is too strong to reduce visions
Clear: Protection
Green: Protection
Tobacco used to help shaman connect, guide and protect you and also you could use it to increase visions
Interview w/ Psychologist: They use the interview to determine what first dosage they would give
Doctor watches over blood pressure and other vitals when needed during the ceremony
Coca Leaf Ceremony- done prior to the ceremonies to show respect to mother earth and ask for permission. After prayer from the shaman we consume the leaves and go for a water cleanse on the bridge by the shaman.
Ceremony 1
In the maloca, prior to the ceremony we meditated using Munay meditation or unconditional love. We would bring a memory of constant and unconditional love, focus on receiving and giving that energy to every part of your body, the earth, the plants, enemies, family, friends, the universe, galaxy, stars, planets, ancestors, deities. Meditation felt long to me, probably because I don’t meditate often or for that long and my leg started to hurt.
After meditation we got our blood pressure checked and preparations for the ceremony began. The shamans entered with the staff and began organizing their items. The male shaman began to whisper things into the bottle that contained the ayahuasca as he was communicating with it and infusing it with prayers. Meanwhile one of the shamans or staff began to come to each one of us with a bowl of dirt and a bowl of water. We were instructed to dip 2 fingers into the first on one hand, 2 in the water with the other hand, afterwards rubbing it from head to toe 3 times. This was to add protection for our ceremony.
Next they circled again with the 2 different Florida waters which we did the same with to add to our protection. When we were given our cups we had to keep our palm over the cup to contain the tobacco smoke that was blown into it. After one last prayer we all drunk it in one shot. I honestly thought it was nasty but not as nasty as people described online. After drinking, we were able to swish a little water around our mouth and spit it into our purge bucket to cleanse the taste out. For the next hour we tried not to drink water because it would force us to purge before letting the medicine go throughout our body; we just relaxed and focused on our memory of unconditional love.
I started to feel some bubbling around my stomach (Oh Lord!) but I wasn’t surprised. You WILL purge but that could be through Puke (most common), diarrhea, yawning, or crying. The Icaros, songs they sing to guide your journey, definitely made my stomach churn a little more but still no visions. After one of the singing sessions stopped I decided to go to bathroom and yup I had diarrhea. I made a 2nd trip to the bathroom later and as I was in there I would start to just feel energy surrounding me in the enclosed stall. After an hour of no visions I was offered another ½ cup and I said y.o.l.o, making my total for the night 1.5 shots of Ayahuasca.
After a small sensation of cool air, a warm touch started to surround me. I decided to go to the bathroom again, (I don’t know how many times at this point) and that is when it started to really it me. As I started using the bathroom I would also have these big yawns and laughing fits. It felt like every time I was in that stall I was reduced to a kid and was very playful. I was scared to leave and have to use the bathroom again. I did return to the Maloca and was encouraged to drink more water since I had not purged yet.
After a bit, with the icaros getting louder and louder, I purged at least 4-5x the final 2 being very strong ( I think a little bit came out the other side too ughh ). At this point I don’t remember when I went to the bathroom again but I do know I was there and had this overwhelming urge to sing. I would get louder as if trying to match the energy of the shamans and every time when I thought I would stop singing a surge would come from the pit of my stomach forcing me to sing again. I also knew when the shaman came into the bathroom because I would smell the smoke being blown and I started to giggle with a big “ahhhhhh!” When I finally went back to the Maloca again I had this overwhelming urge to dance. I had so much energy and it was like my ancestors were surrounding me at a party and we were just dancing to the beat.
It went from hip twisting to 2 step to expressive praise dance. This dancing lasted at least 20 minutes and then finally I decided to sit but of course every time they sung again my body started to dance again sitting on the bed. I started to side eye the shamans every time like “ya’ll playing with me, I can’t stop.” I started to notice the stars though the roof moon window and wanted to move to get a better view but I had to go back to my personal space. When the doctor came up to me to encourage me to drink water I would play with her and pretend I was about to drink but not. I also offered my hand to dance but she didn’t want to .
Throughout the ceremony I worried a little about the other 2 and internally I constantly gave my thanks for them, telling them “I’m with them”. I also worried if they were annoyed by my singing/energy/etc. I also remember each time I walked to the bathroom I just started to feel so tired and would walk so slot but when I would hear the music it would energize me. When I finally decided to rest for the night, I started to think about the dogs and if they were cold, I couldn’t shake it so I finally popped up to see. By this point I didn’t feel the effects but just the urge.
Once I was told the dogs were fine and after a little more Icaros and dancing in bed I fell asleep. After a while I was awakened and asked if I wanted to eat and go to my room. I said no to the food and went to my room to write and shower before bed. I wrote for a while and the dogs came by and bond with me and my roommate, finally the black one let me rub him without running away. We chatted for a while, got our blood pressure checked. Oh I forgot to mention that I also blew my nose a lot in the bathroom during the ceremony, seems like I was purging everywhere haha. Ceremony 1 complete!
Day 2 Agenda
See other blog post about my full trip in Peru with more detail
We ate breakfast, which would be our only main meal of the day. Volunteered at a dog shelter where we brushed the dogs for a bit, played with them, and helped wash 2 of the dogs and broke into a room because the shelter owner locked herself out; that was a fun process to figure out but we had a firefighter among our crew. Afterwards we had our group meeting to talk about our experience.
Group Interpretation Ceremony 1
I told my experience and one of the Maestra ( female shaman) said that I had mercy with the plant and received a lot of the energy from Mother Aya. She said I also connected with the Maestro (male shaman) when I would sing with him in the bathroom and with these signs it shows that I will probably be a future healer. The psychologist, also felt that I was connecting with my ancestors because even though I was singing with the maestro, my singing seemed more African sounds at some points. Connecting with the dogs also shows the love I have to give and I am open to receiving.
Meditation for Ceremony 2
I chose my memory for ceremony 2 which was my grandmother tricking me with a fake lottery card and her laughing thinking it was so funny. I also tried the “om mani padme hum” Buddhist chant I learned from an astral projection book but then decided just focus on the technique they taught.
Ceremony 2
We started the ceremony the same way we did the first time. I took the same amount as day 1. This ceremony I had a difficult time concentrating on myself. The first hour I tried the mantra and focusing on my breathing but after a while I kept worrying about the other 2 members of the group and how they were doing. I had no visions again and whenever I felt like one of the other 2 were gone I felt the urge to sing with shaman to help them. I did not purge and maybe used the bathroom once. I went outside and saw one of the shamans and the other male participant. I was mesmerized by the stars and the moon, they seemed so close and bright.
Group Interpretation Ceremony 2
Maestra said It is important for you to focus on yourself. Relax by focusing on breathing and whenever you feel worry do and be the opposite. The female participant said she felt the love I was sending and was sending it back to me. Psychologist said no need to worry about the future and how it’s gonna be, it’s important to decide your happiness now in the present because that will form your future. Don’t let external forces control that happiness.
Ceremony 3
Today was the ceremony with the other 5 people who arrived yesterday to start their Day 1 out of 2 ceremonies. They did day 1 by themselves while we got to skip a day so that our final days would be with all 8 of us. I decided that I would take 2 shots, I mean hey its the final day and maybe I can have some visions this time….Oh my freaking god that might have been a mistake! First of all, I was fighting the urge to puke immediately after taking the 2nd shot; taking one immediately after the other is definitely hard on the taste buds. I also had my eye mask on this time to help me concentrate on myself.
Soon my stomach started to bubble so I had to go to the bathroom. I think I came back in and that’s when it started to hit me hard. I was leaning against the walls with my eyes closed. I had a few attempts trying to purge on all fours and finally it happened maybe 4 times. The Maestras came over chanting and blowing some type of smoke (palo santo or tobacco) and rubbing florida water on me. I started to sit back on the wall with my eyes closed then started to cry. It was because I started to see these sparkly needle-like pointy things slowly inserting themselves into my face, almost like what acupuncture looks like.
The smoke from the tobacco and palo santo started to be too much and I needed to leave the room finally getting the courage to get up but I barely made it out. I wanted to go outside so bad but they wouldn’t let me, convincing me to sit in the hallway on the couches. Well i didn’t exactly make it to the couches, instead deciding to sit on the floor and that is when all hell broke loose.
At this point I saw a maestra walking up to me and I immediately started saying “no no no go back inside” because I knew the smoke and chants she was saying was going to pull me in again. I closed my eyes and felt like I was pushed back centuries ago. I was multiple people there besides the shaman, teepees of some sort, a dog or wolf and were maybe in a forest or desert. I quickly opened my mind because it was overwhelming with everything else and immediately started to vomit one after another. It was half vomit and half just dry heaving but it felt like a demon was existing my body. It felt endless like It was going to go on for an eternity and I just started questioning why me? Why did I deserve this? I thought I was a good person.
I felt like I wasn’t breathing properly so I started to focus on my breathing but by doing so I was hyper-attentive to it so between each breath I could feel the suffocation or non-breathing. I decided to just not focus on breathing and started to look at the people sitting with me in the hallway and started to talk to the psychologist. Every time I looked at her it seemed like her face was vibrating and I would immediately look away and get super bashful saying “ stop it, stop talking to me, your just tryna keep talking to me” although I was the one initiating the conversation each time. Every time I put my head to the ground to lay down I could feel the vibrations from the shaman singing and lightly hear him and that would start to pull me under more and I’d immediately pop my head up again. I started slightly tapping the floor at certain points to help ground me in this reality.
At one point an intern was walking past in the hallway and I grabbed her pink shoe and just yelled her name, I always thought her name was cool. The shoe grounded me in reality and we laughed and I let her go. At one point are heard the shaman singing and I started to sing but this time it was different, I literally had to force myself to stop. It almost seemed like a scratched record that repeated that same part until you took it off, I literally at one point said “Ohh I sound like Beyonce!” after getting myself to stop.
I also started to notice the 2 staff whispering to each other and I started to get super paranoid. Of course I started to think of the movie midsommar that my friends joked about before I came and it made me think I joined a cult (do NOT watch this movie if you plan on going to another country and doing this). I started to think this was it, I’m going to die here, I even asked them am I going to die and she said “Hosea this will pass you’ll be fine.” I crawled to the doorway for outside and just laid in between the entrance finally getting fresh air away from the intensifying smells. They tried to get me to come back in but I was already too skeptical of them trying to keep me in.
Finally they let me outside and tried to cover me with a bunch of blankets since it was so cold. I kept pushing the blankets off every time they tried and laughed saying “ I must be annoying as hell” but they kept saying no your fine. Me and one of the male workers started to talk and then the maestra who told me last group meeting she would focus on me, came out. I can’t remember if I purged again but I definitely grabbed my bucket when she started to sing to me and I started to fall into back into the state. She started to do this thing where she would do this sucking sound at the top of my head then spit it out behind me, it felt like she was sucking negativity out of me, I even said “yeah that shits nasty aint it” and laughed.
As she sung and did this method I started to just talk to myself: “ Wow, Hosea wow! This is how it happens. You go from reading about it, taking the risk, and realizing that maybe you were wrong and now you are a ritualistic death for a cult.” I started talking to myself, accepting my fate, and started to give myself all these affirmations such as “You are confident, you are one with the land, you are the universe, you are a king, you are a god, you are Apu (Mountain spirit/God).” I was content with dying and felt like I was finally realizing many of these things I was seeking, it was within me and I just had to learn to discover it and be it.
The male staffer with me started saying how it was dangerous to be outside the maloca because you want to be protected from the bad spirits, I started to ask him if I was the bad or evil spirit. I saw the woman who ran the retreat, complemented her on her beauty, and asked if I was in a cult. She at first was confused but after they explained she said no and her father was coming now to close the final ceremony with protection. I went in a few minutes and finally started to calm down enough to rest. I felt really warm under my blanket when I got to my bed and even though my stomach started to bubble a little luckily it was only gas.
They sung here and there and it would slightly pull me back in but with overall calm vibrations. I started to think about my friend I wanted to tell this experience to but then I started to cry thinking I would never be able to tell her about it, still questioning if I was going home. Meanwhile somehow next to me, apparently for most of the night, was having orgasmic experiences. I’m not going to lie, her sounds did kind of help ground me in reality though haha. As I descended into a light slumber we finally were told the ceremony was closed and was helped to our rooms.
Once I got there and got my blood pressure checked, she left and I immediately called my roommate over. I also broke down asking “bro are we going home” He said most definitely and we talked about our experiences before sleeping for the night.
Group Interpretation Ceremony 3
Maestro was very grateful for the owner and us, he said it was one of the most powerful ceremonies he has worked with in a long time and felt the love and energy from everyone. When it became my turn to share my experience I immediately broke down and barely could even start. A woman next to me started crying because I was crying haha it was a mess. But after explaining everything she said “congratulations you were reborn” ( I connect this to the experience some have called and Ego Death). She said she was trying to suck out the visions I may have been having outside and that I was connected with the love. At one point I apparently was talking to a flower which I don’t really remember. The psychologist said to remember death is natural and that everything in your life will pass, it is just a short period so be in the now.
Another participant also said when I purged she felt a slight splash on her face and felt my struggle and also felt like she needed to purge. At one point she talked about sensing a spirit trying to get to me and another person but the shaman send it away along with her connecting with the moon. She also mentioned that she was a flower during one point of her journey with her family so that makes me think that maybe I was talking to her in my journey when I spoke to the flower.
We received some post retreat instructions such as trying to keep a clean diet for a few weeks with no alcohol, sex, or drugs and trying to continue meditation practices. We discussed the codes of living such as Munay ( unconditional love ) and Ayni or the concept of mutualism and reciprocity; the universe is always giving so we must always give back to it.
Mother Pachamama Offering Ceremony
To end our time with them and to thank Mother Pachamama for allowing us to connect with nature; Druids, Maori, Eskimos all used to practice this. They prepared the offering by first passing out coca leaves to everyone, 3 in right hand 2 in the left, and we used them to prayers of gratitude. We handed the leaves to healer leading the ceremony and he blessed with them, waving them from head to toe as he prayed. From there he prepared the offering, placing various grains, candies, and items onto the cloth praying to each of them as he placed them. He then folded it up and placed it in a pre-dug hole and lit it on fire.
Afterwards we enjoyed a song and were encouraged to share a song of our own. Everyone looked at me, remembering I sung in the van, and I said fine and sung “a change is gonna come” by Sam Cooke. We said our goodbyes and walked back up the hill to get ready to the part from this adventurous journey.
Thinking of this experience, good and bad, I would still do it again. I am open to exploring the spiritual world that lies within this reality and learning more about the many ancient practices of the various cultures around the world. If you are interested in my whole journey throughout Peru before and after the retreat, there is a separate blog post you can check out detailing the history i’ve learned and tours I enjoyed. Also please check out the many photos and videos from my trip here!